Tentative steps on a new journey

I haven't written about Bella since she died. Can't believe it's nearly four months ago now. Can't believe she isn't here, and how cruelly and suddenly she was taken from us. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, or dream of her. Often I find myself standing quietly looking down on the carpet of snowdrops that cover the place where she lies, remembering her. Until the chickens find me and start pecking my boots anyway.

Sometimes when I come in from work, or from a trip away, I wonder why she hasn't come to the gate to greet me. Then I remember. When Eddie or one of the boys leave their black backpacks down where Bella's bed was, I do a double-take thinking she's there. For a split second it's a dream. Until it's not.

It is getting easier, you just have to put one foot in front of the other as I always tell myself. What else can you do? And I know that one day we'll be ready to bring a new puppy into the family, I know it will help to heal us and I also know we're not ready yet.

But I am putting tentative steps forward and have made some calls to German Shepherd breeders in the area, telling our story and seeing how the land lies. In the spring we're going to visit one lady who sounded lovely, meet her dogs and have a bit of chat. It'll give the boys an idea of what a German Shepherd dog is like, and Eddie and I the chance to decide whether that's the breed we want to go for.

I think it is, remembering with great fondness our own beautiful dogs Chablis and Volley. A black Labrador is out of the question. The only one I want, is the one I can't have.




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