Chickens in a box

Here I am at the corporate coalface, stomping around, suited and booted, trying to look professional and as if I know what I'm doing. Then at lunchtime I had a ton of stuff to do and as always when near a toy shop, felt compelled to go in and have a look around. Came out clutching 3 bags of plastic balls, a tent to store them (and William) in and an inflatable water park. Staggered back to the car weighed down with my loot and all you can see through the back window of the car is a mountain of blue balls. Am now back at my computer - thinking of doing a bit of stomping and looking important a later on....

Back at my desk after barricading myself into the loo and turning the light off for what was supposed to be a 10 minute nap but ended up being half an hour! Now feel as though have been hit over the head with a blunt instrument but will hopefully survive the afternoon.

Or should I say 'Eddie's speech'. He was a very nervous Best Man, but did an amazing job and gave a fantastic speech. All in all we had a lovely day and left Will with Sue and Jim for the day which he thought was fantastic, especially as he had a captive audience and an Uncle prepared to hold him upside down and tickle him as many times as he wanted. Even more exciting was that yesterday he stood up on his own for the first time! We are SO proud. He even took one step, but then panicked and returned to all fours to regroup. It won't be long before he's walking - maybe even by the weekend when we go up to Norfolk. Of course it'll probably happen while he's at nursery. I'm trying not to be resentful about my hours at work, but it's very hard not to be. Last week was so horrible and I was so upset. I must pull myself together and try to be more positive. In the meantime Baby Mk II is growing fast, and I'm listening hard for it to start moving....

Depressed, demotivated. I am not a robot. I cannot keep ploughing through life and pretend everything's OK when it isn't. At the moment I feel totally stagnant, my life is on hold. I spend hardly anytime with Will, and the time I do spend I'm too exhausted to play with him properly. I am going nowhere career-wise, baby notwithstanding, I'm just grafting relentlessly, doing the same things I was doing 6 years ago. And NOW I find I'm being accused of not pulling my weight at the office. Of course it's not true, but perception is reality. So I have to put Will in nursery on Fridays as well and spend even less time with him. Every day I seem to find myself in tears for some reason or another. Just when you think you're surviving, life deals you another blow and everything comes crashing down around your ears again. I'm SO TIRED. I want to scream, run away, crawl into a dark hole and sleep for 1000 years. It is absolutely true that you cannot do/ha...

Molly will go on her medication and we'll see how things go. The most important thing is that she is happy and has the highest possible quality of life in the time she has left. Feel desperate every time I think about losing her, but I have to enjoy being with her and not think too far ahead. She was looking up at me yesterday with her huge golden eyes and I couldn't stop crying. Better stop typing now as am welling up again.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday, the weekend seems like a lifetime ago. Both days were beautifully hot and sunny and I spent Saturday slaving over dinner for Richard and Lucy next door, but it was absolutely worth it for a truly lovely evening spent enjoying the wonderful weather and finally getting to sit outside for our drinks. Treated myself to a small glass of bubbly and an even smaller one of red to go with our roast lamb. God I miss being able to have a few drinks :( Will spent most of Sunday starkers and bombing round the garden trying to climb as much of the furniture as possible until he was finally reined in by a washing up bowl full of water and bath toys, which kept him amused while Daddy dug the garden and Mummy caught up with the News and Screws. He finally surpassed himself by pooing on the garden table (which Eddie had collapsed on the lawn to clean the paving). Typical. Work-wise I have FINALLY told the team. Not a minute too soon either - I thought my tro...

Took Thursday off and drove all the way up to Hertfordshire to take Molly to see a specialist about her back legs. She now has a stinking cold to go with it - all to do with being run down. It was a 5 hour round trip and Molly had to stay in overnight for a barrage of tests to see what's wrong. Initially when they called that night to say we could pick her up the following day I was feeling positive that it was something treatable with medication. But when Eddie collected her yesterday the news wasn't so good. They've found a huge mass in her chest which they think is cutting off her communication between the nerves and muscle in her legs. For now they don't know what it is, or whether it's benign, malignant, operable or not. I am worried sick. I get tearful everytime I think that she might not get better and I may soon have to make the one decision I couldn't bear. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, I must try hard to think positive. In the meantime sh...

Ironic that I've only been stopped twice, and both times I've been pregnant. Once when I was 8 1/2 months gone with William and then last night we went out for dinner with Cate and Jim last night and got stopped on the way home - all very exciting, but the best bit was feeling incredibly smug as I told the policeman that I was actually 4 months pregnant and hadn't touched a drop. He must have been gutted. STILL haven't told work as my meeting on Wednesday got bumped. So it'll have to be next week, and in the meantime I'm getting more weeble-like every day. I'll probably find out everyone twigged weeks ago... Very hard to write thi]s with Will helping, so will return later. Off to see Jo and Francesca this Mo~r';p-]=[ [p - great excitment!! #] ]

Sitting at home when I should be out in London with the Ladiees, but alas was felled at the last by a dodgy steak and guiness pie and spent the best part of yesterday night driving the porcelain bus. G.R.E.A.T Feeling what can only be described as exceptionally fragile this morning, so reluctantly decided it was probably best to stay at home with a fruit salad and the promise of early bed. I'm so disappointed because I was really looking forward to telling them all about the baby. As it was I gave Janie a ring because we're only 5 weeks different, and texted the others. The joys of modern technology! But I couldn't keep it a secret anymore, and am already looking forward to finally telling work - hopefully tomorrow because if I don't then I'm going to get seriously rumbled very soon. Otherwise much pootling has been done - a couple of days down in Sussex with Julia, Sue and Jim which was really nice. Their new house is absolutely amazing and we spent an idyll...

14 weeks, and things are getting tight on every front. Deciding what to wear is proving exceptionally challenging as my usual clothes are either really uncomfortable or don't fit. I can't wait to tell everyone and get this off my chest, but Nessa isn't back for another week and a bit. At least it's Easter this week and Eddie had I are having 6 days off - I can't wait. Feel wrung out like a wet rag trying to juggle everything. Yesterday, poor Will fell off the garden chair, the worst of it was that I was watching him and took a photo, thinking how funny he looked and how he was clearly going to fall off. I never actually expected him to go flying. Missed the catch by a matter of seconds and had a desperate, screaming, blood-stained child to try to calm down for the next hour. God, how awful did I feel? Watching him put his fingers into the bath later and then shrieking as they stung was just heartwrenching. Much better today thank heavens, just very scabby, along wi...