Chickens in a box

William to James; "You're a poo." James to William; "I'm not a poo." James to Me; "I'm not a poo, are I Mummy?" Me to James; "No." James to William; "I'm not a poo, William. I'm a boy."

Some simple rules that help me survive: DO 1. An early recce of the tea spread to decide in advance what to go for 2. Avoid the indignity of the tea rush; bide your time and you'll find a decent seat 3. Scan room for angelic-looking children who are likely to beat the crap out of yours 4. Practice your ice queen stare - ideal for use on unsupervised children attempting to bully/punch/push/grab/pinch etc. yours 5. Steer clear of any boxed wine 6. Leave as early as possible DO NOT 1. Accept an invitation to a children's party further than 5 miles from your house 2. Beg/bribe/plead/promise or otherwise coerce your child into joining in anything 3. Make any contact whatsoever with a children's entertainer (if present) 4. Hang over your child while it's eating, offering advice about organic crudites vs Hula Hoops. It is futile 5. Attempt to communicate with other adults. Another futile exercise 6. Volunteer to do anything