Chickens in a box

William has a week off and has tootled back to school today happy to be back with his friends.  James has had last week off and still has a week and a half left to run. Words fail me. Apart from one - ridiculous. 

It's been a busy few days and with two days off a lot has been accomplished; from getting the boys' hair cut to washing the car, stocking up on pharmaceutical supplies to play dates, cinema trips and teas out. Yesterday we went to London for the day and had a fantastic time exploring Greenwich. We crossed from East to West on the Meridian Line and tootled up and down the Thames on a river bus before heading home for Spag Bol and the telly. Today was my turn to WFH. It was also the day the plasterers came to sort out James' peeling room and the chimney sweep turned up - in the middle of a webex call as it happened. So in between moving to avoid workmen and boys, making cups of tea and trying to work, it was total chaos.  After an elevenses involving lardy cake, energy levels went stratospheric. Not mine, I hasten to add...I packed boys, swimmers and laptop into the car and headed for Northcroft to throw them into the icy waters for an hour while I logged in and actua...

It was very quiet this morning when I woke up and of course I immediately knew why. I hadn't slept well anyway. But whenever I find myself paralysed with doubt about Bella and the decision we made, I think back to how ill and thin she was and I know that we did what was right. If we'd waited a day longer, she would have suffered. As it was, she left us happy, relaxed and loved.  My eyes are sore with constant tears. I look and feel like a wreck. Not ideal when I have to get up at 5.30am for work. One of life's great cruelties is that it doesn't stop to give you a chance to get your head around things. You have to keep going. It is relentless.  Everyone's been on edge today, but the boys and I planted narcissi and snowdrops around Bella's grave which Sonya and Richard had given us (in a beautiful basket along with champagne, tasters and chipsticks - the perfect comfort combo). We're not ready to celebrate anything yet, but I know that one day we will b...

Bella's condition worsened through yesterday, she became noticeably weaker as the day went on and I worried about waiting to call the vet on Monday. When Eddie got home, he said, a propos of nothing, that he thought we'd need to do something tomorrow and I agreed. When we came down this morning, there was no question, there was no more doubt, we knew that the time had come. They say you do know, don't they? And we did.  We waited all morning and with 10 minutes to go before the vet arrived, sent the boys to Waitrose Cafe - it wasn't right for them to be here. Then it was time to say goodbye. We held Bella and told her how much we loved her as we felt her slip away. And just like that, she was gone.  We buried Bella in a sunny corner of our garden, curled up asleep with her lead and a small bouquet of roses from the flowerbed. We will remember her for all the incredible things that she was. The best dog ever. Loved more than words can say. ...

This morning I called the vet and told him we wanted to take Bella off her steroids. We think that at this stage they're actually making her feel worse, on top of what she is already suffering. Although she isn't in any pain, she is getting thinner and more lacklustre by the day. It isn't fair to keep her going like this just because we can't bear to let her go. It's what we always said we would not do. The vet agreed, so we're reducing her steroid intake by half. But it won't really make any difference. Looking at her today, we're bracing ourselves because we think we'll have to call the vet over in a matter of days. The awful decision we face, is when to do it. When do you know? What we don't want to do, is leave it so late that her quality of life has become so reduced it's making her miserable. I think she's very sad already, I think she knows. And I suspect she's ready too. So one more weekend to say goodbye - unless there...

There is a balance to be found between the manic ferrying between rugby, tennis, football, swimming etc. that so many parents find themselves doing, and relaxing at home. We've done the ferrying and, fed up with spending our lives in the car, opted for a spell of relaxation. However, the reality of having two bored boys at home is that most afternoons and weekends are spent in endless and pointless arguments about when and who is going to play on the X-Box, phone, TV (select screen of your choice). There's no point making the boys do stuff they don't want to do. We've tried all of the above with varying degrees of success. All you can really do, is offer them as many chances as possible to try new activities, and they have given them all up (with the exception of tennis). The problem is that they don't have a team sport to play, and while I get that not everyone's a team player, I also still believe that understanding how to play for and be part of a team,...

After a week on 12 steroids a day, it was time to take Bella back to the vet to see if there was any improvement. A gibbering, weeping wreck, I braced myself for the worst news (as I have done for the past three weeks). The vet looked sympathetic and gave absolutely no reassurance that there would be any glimmer of a positive result. I left in bits, watched by the rest of the waiting room as the pet owner you never want to be. However, yet again Bella has defied the odds and shown a 10% improvement from her previous test. Her red cell count is still horribly low, but not low enough to give up quite yet. We have another week's grace. Having pulled myself together over the course of the afternoon I went back to weigh Bella (we forgot at her appointment what with my gibbering etc.). She has lost 2 kilos...I don't know what to think. We soldier on for another week.

Just home from a week in Lisbon with the Cisco team. It was so nice to finally meet the people I work with. The problem is that we're all based in different countries, so spend our entire time on Webex video calls but never actually see each other in person. What a difference actually speaking face to face makes.  I feel like I really made some good friends, and that next time we have a call, it'll be so much easier. I've also developed a penchant for Monkey 47 ... It's the first time I've actually felt part of a team for such a long time, since Vodafone days. When you're a contractor, you're always on the outside; the feet under the duck. Makes me realise how quiet I've been for so long. Contractors are hired to do a specific job in a specific time for a specific day rate. That's it. Hit the ground running, keep shtum, make the client look good, do the best you can to deliver what you're supposed to, move on. Sometimes I forget that I'm ...

OK, so I am officially an emotional wreck now. There is still no conclusive evidence of cancer in Bella's blood, which doesn't mean she doesn't have it; if it's in the bones then it wouldn't show up. But it also means there is a chance that something else may be at play. She is too weak for a biopsy and general anaesthetic, and we don't want to put her through that just to find that it's cancer after all. However , we can try steroids. This would be a way of ruling out anything else, because if she responds to steroids, then it might mean that her anaemia is caused by something else that steroids can treat. If they don't work, then we know that it's almost certainly cancer and we're back to square one. It is our last option, but it's a chance. We may just be buying time, but it's time I am grateful for. More tests to run on Monday. They will expect to see her cell count either stabilising or improving if the steroids are working....

We brought Bella home on Monday - all her scans came back clear; no free fluid, no tumours. So all was well and things were looking up. However she was still anaemic and we didn't know why. The lead vet sent off for more blood tests and yesterday we went back in with her to find out the results. The tests showed a steady decline in both white and red cells, so the vet thinks it's an auto-immune response. Because both types of cells are affected, and having seen what he has so far, he feels it's likely that Bella has cancer in her bone marrow. That would explain why she has been lacking in energy for some months now. She's obviously had it for a while, but it's crept up so slowly you'd hardly notice. Her coat is shining, appetite fine, everything normal. Except...she's pale. And now she is running out of her mature cells but can't produce any more. We're at crisis point. Of course none of this is conclusive, to really know for sure she would ha...

I drove home down the M4 from a long day in a windowless room, to pick William up from Taylor's. Dropped him at home to do his French prep and went straight out again to get James from Prep Club. When I got to Thorngrove I saw a mum I knew, so smiled and said hello. She said hello back, and then the lady she was standing with started talking about prescription glasses to her and the two of them turned away and carried on as if I wasn't there. I sat on the bench outside school watching them witter, and then saw another friend. So I smiled and said hello. She said hello back, and then another mum came up and started talking about football training to her and the two of them turned away and carried on as if I wasn't there. James came out and we roared out of the drive in the little red car, which always gives me enormous satisfaction. Unfortunately my elation was short-lived as I came home to find William had spent the entire 30 minutes I was away playing on his phone. T...

Bella is home! Order is restored (as is the balance of the universe). The vet called yesterday to say they'd looked at her spleen, liver, lungs and heart and couldn't find a trace of cancer, or blood. Which begs the question, why put her through all that in the first place only to find out that a) you'd wasted your time b) put a dog through unnecessary stress and c) put a family through the emotional wringer. I guess as a tumour was arguably the most likely diagnosis, and the one they were expecting, they had to rule that out first. Now we wait for more blood tests to find out what's causing her anaemia. We have a follow-up meeting tomorrow when we'll get the results and hoping that the outcome will be positive, the prognosis excellent and the medication quick, simple and uninvasive. In the meantime we may need to put the house on the market to cover the vet bills, having realised too late that our insurance only coughed up (continuing the theme) in the event ...