Scratchy Sunday

It was very quiet this morning when I woke up and of course I immediately knew why. I hadn't slept well anyway. But whenever I find myself paralysed with doubt about Bella and the decision we made, I think back to how ill and thin she was and I know that we did what was right. If we'd waited a day longer, she would have suffered. As it was, she left us happy, relaxed and loved. 

My eyes are sore with constant tears. I look and feel like a wreck. Not ideal when I have to get up at 5.30am for work. One of life's great cruelties is that it doesn't stop to give you a chance to get your head around things. You have to keep going. It is relentless. 

Everyone's been on edge today, but the boys and I planted narcissi and snowdrops around Bella's grave which Sonya and Richard had given us (in a beautiful basket along with champagne, tasters and chipsticks - the perfect comfort combo). We're not ready to celebrate anything yet, but I know that one day we will be.William said some beautiful words and we lit a candle which is still burning as I write this. 

So Monday tomorrow, onwards and upwards. It's half-term and both boys are off. I'm going to take some time too which will do me good I'm sure. For now there's silence in the house which means they've snuck upstairs to play on their phones thinking I don't know what they're doing. Eddie is in the bath, no doubt on his Kindle or iPad. The Curse of the Sunday Screens. 

Time to turn this one off and go read a book. 

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